Finding the True Meaning of Christmas

Posted on Sat Dec 23rd, 2023 @ 3:59am by Commander Chisato Nishikigi & Lieutenant Chrirhc Chihc

888 words; about a 4 minute read

Mission: Christmas Time
Location: USS Tokyo main lounge and mess hall

With the Christmas season rolling around, Chrirhc had joined a group of non-Human Tokyo crewmembers in an attempt to better understand the Human holiday. Many in the group knew about the holiday, but never really comprehended what it was about, so each of them had taken turns bothering various Humans and asking them a bit about Christmas. And now, they had enough notes down to compose a small musical number.

While Chrirhc had initially been hesitant to make music, he had changed his tune when the others had given him an acoustic guitar to play, which was very similar to the instrument he was normally accustomed to playing. Of course, after they had discovered that Chrirhc had the best singing voice out of all of them, he had been elected to lead vocalist, a role he was still unaccustomed to.

"Are you sure we have everything in the correct order?" Chrirhc asked his bandmates as they prepared to practice in the Tokyo's main lounge. "Shouldn't we put the bit with the flamethrower earlier?"

"Nah, it'll be fine."

As the others agreed, Chrirhc heard the doors to the lounge open and saw Commander Nishikigi step through.

"Ah, Commander Nishikigi; just the person I wanted to see, actually:" Chrirhc said. "If you're not busy, me and a few of the other non-Humans have been trying to understand this holiday of yours, and we've put together a little song. Now, before we perform it for the Captain, we wanted to get another human's take on it, make sure we're getting all the details correct."

Chisato grinned. "I'd be happy to, Lieutenant! What are you having trouble with, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I think it'd be best if you heard our draft." Chrirhc said. "It's quite difficult to explain otherwise."

Chrirhc turned to his bandmates.

"Alright, let's take it from the top in the key of... D Minor." He instructed before turning back to Chisato:

"Out on the third planet closest to the sun,
there's a special celebration and it sounds quite fun.
A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone
on a holiday they call 'Christmas.'"

Chisato nodded. "Alright, so far, everything seems to be on point; what else have you got?"

"But I'm not gonna lie, it makes no sense to me,
but here's what Humans told me
about this Christmas mystery..."

"1! 2! 3! GO!" The Andorian drummer called out.

"Santa is a furry freak with epic superpowers
He flies to every Human home in under 14 hours
He's a master burglar
A pro at picking locks
If you don't leave milk and cookies out,
he will put dung in your socks!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Chisato spluttered. "First of all, Santa's not all that furry-!"

But whatever criticisms she may have had directed towards Chrirhc and his band were now wholly lost on them, as they were too enveloped in their performance to be paying attention.

"If you act nice, sleep through the night
and don't jump on your bed
Santa comes with sugar plums
and hurls them at your head.
But if you're on his naughty list,
he shoots missiles at your toes.
He might just roast your chestnuts with his
powerful flamethrower!"

"Where the hell are you getting a flamethrower from all that?!" Chisato gawked.

"Rein rein rein rein rein
Deer deer deer deer deer
I don't know what Christmas is,
but Christmastime is here"

"Sounds like it," Chisato sighed as she folded her arms. "Can we take five for juuuust a sec-!"

"He's compelled his creepy elves to do his every wish
One sought to be a dentist
now he's sleeping with the fish
Mrs. Claus, she works the pole
and plans her man's demise.
One day, the elves will all rise up and
stab out Santa's eyes!"

"Such violence... Have you guys tried speaking with Counselor Johnson?" Chisato suggested.

"Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Humans are so weird
I don't know what Christmas is,
but Christmastime is here

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Huimans are so weird!
I don't know what Christmas is,
but Christmastime is here.

What the heck's a 'turtledove'?
And who lit up that deer?"

"You know, perhaps if you bothered to ask, we could clear up those misconceptions for you..." Chisato was quick to point out.

"I don't know what Christmas is,
but Christmastime is here.

I don't know what Christmas is,
but Christmastime is here.

...Or maybe it's there...

Uh, it's somewhere...

I don't know...

I don't know..."

When the song finished, the few curious officers in the lounge who witnessed the impromptu concert started to give their applause. A few of them even laughed.

"Well..." Chisato began in the politest way she knew possible. "I think it's time I sat you guys down and gave you a bit of a history lesson, first..."

"Thank you, Tokyo!" Chrirhc called out to the applause. "We'll be here all week!"

"Of course he's not listening to me..." Chisato sighed.

Posting by

Lieutenant Chrirhc Chihc
Assistant Chief Intelligence Officer

Lieutenant Commander Chisato Nishikigi
Chief Intelligence Officer

RSS Feed